I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
