last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
