Even the bartender felt bad for me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
