The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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