So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
