i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You've changed since you got that strap on
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
