Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
