I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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