tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
