i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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