I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
