I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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