so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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