She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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