In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
COCAINE IS GR8
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
