he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
