Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
