Define "chronic" masturbator.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
