I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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