Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
