Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize