i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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