Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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