On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
