WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
