Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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