It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize