Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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