My sheets look like a crime scene.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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