I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The uberlube is also flammable
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
