why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I think i got beer on your cat.
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