you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize