Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
