We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hippo gnu deer
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
