the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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