I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
