you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
