My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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