On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
