The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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