I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
