i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
