I bet he comes in French.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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