So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
