can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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