thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
