they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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