fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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