Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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