Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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