u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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