You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
