I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
