you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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