Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
