I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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