I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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