Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
