Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
