And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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