Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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