Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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