Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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