omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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