You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
