Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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