Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
