I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
