I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
